Archive of Zaobao Weekly article "Traversing the beauty and sorrow of transwomen", 8 March 2020

This article was published on Lianhe Zaobao on Sunday, 8 March 2020.

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=English translation=

(by Joshua Ip)

Text / Chen Yingchen

Photography / Long Guoxiong

Posted / March 8, 2020 3:30 AM

Transgender women

The pride and prejudice of transgressing convention

They were once sons, fathers, and now daughters and mothers.

They are single moms, documentary directors and internet celebrities.

跨性别女性的美丽与哀愁

Traversing the beauty and sorrow of transwomen

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来自 / 联合早报

文 / 陈莹纮摄影 / 龙国雄发布 / 2020年3月8日 3:30 AM

她们经历性别认同的挣扎，面对家人亲友与社会压力，跨越重重障碍，活出自己的人生. （龙国雄摄）

They have experienced struggles with gender identity, the pressures of family, friends and society – traversed many obstacles to live their own lives. (Long Guoxiong).

今天是国际妇女节. 这个节日的目的是要纪念女权运动，并庆祝妇女在政治、经济和社会等领域的贡献及成就. 媒体多年来都在这天讲述不同成功女性的故事. 《早报周刊》今年把焦点放在女性中的少数群体——跨性别女性——庆祝她们的成长，以及为家庭、社会和经济做出的贡献.

Today is International Women’s Day. The purpose of the event is to commemorate the feminist movement, and celebrate the political, economic and social contributions and achievements of women. For many years, the media has related the stories of various successful women. This year, Lianhe Zaobao Weekly is putting the focus on a minority group within women – transwomen – to celebrate their growth, and their contributions to the family, to society and to our economy.

跨性别是指性别认同或性别表达与出生时的性别不符的统称. 性别认同则是指一个人认同自己身为男性、女性或其他性别的心理意识. 例如，一个生理上是男性的人在心理上却认同自己为女性.

Transgender is a collective term for those whose gender identity or gender expression does not match their gender at birth. Gender identity refers to a person’s psychological conception of identifying one’s self as male, female or other genders. For example, someone biologically male who psychologically identifies as female.

去年5月25日，世界卫生组织通过对《国际疾病分类》的第11次修订，将“性别认同障碍”从精神障碍的分类中剔除，更名为“性别不一致”，并重新归入“性健康相关条件”一栏. 据《联合国新闻》报道，世卫组织生殖健康和研究部协调员萨伊解释，“性别不一致”是指一个人心理上所感受到的性别与生理性别不同，将它从精神障碍的分类中剔除，是因为“我们对这一状况有了更加清楚的认识，了解到这其实并非精神健康问题，继续将其归为精神障碍会导致对这一群体的污名化. ”

On May 25 last year, as part of the 11th revision of the International Classification of Diseases, the World Health Organisation (WHO) removed “gender identity disorders” from the classification of mental disorders, renamed them “gender dysphoria”, and reclassified them as “sexual health-related conditions”. According to the United Nations News, the WHO Department of Reproductive Health and Research coordinator Lale Say explained that “gender inconsistency” refers to a difference in an individual’s psychological perception of gender and their biological gender. It was removed from the classification of mental disorders because the WHO “now has a clearer understanding of this condition, comprehends that it is not actually a mental health issue, and believes that continuing to classify it as a mental disorder will lead to this community being stigmatised.”

三名受访的跨性别女性分别为单亲妈妈、纪录片编导及生意人网红. 她们都曾是男儿身，女儿心. 从变性到生活上经历种种波折，一路走来特别卖力，她们在各自的岗位努力向世人证明，不是所有跨性别者都要卖身讨生活，就像社会上的其他群体，她们也能有所成就.

The three trans women interviewed are a single mother, a documentary director, and a business influencer. They were all once male in body, but female at heart. From their sex change to the various waves of turmoil they experienced in life, the journey has been especially difficult, but they have tried to prove to the world in their respective occupations that not all transgender people must sell their bodies for a living – just like other groups in society, they can also make something of themselves.

单亲妈妈吕芬倪 换性获母亲与女儿支持

Single mother Lu Fen Ni – Supported by her mother and daughter through transitioning.

人们不了解的是，那些在樟宜还是什么地方的跨性别者，有的是走投无路了，大部分是和家里闹翻，被赶出家门后无家可归，又没有工作，还要存钱动手术，才会当性工作者. ——吕芬倪

“What people don’t understand is – those transgender people in Changi or wherever – some of them are desperate. A large number of them argued with their families, and were rendered homeless after being kicked out. With no work, and the need to save money for their surgeries – thus they turn to being sex workers.” - Lu Fen Ni.

对吕惠婷（左）来说，吕芬倪既是母亲，也是父亲. 她们背后挂着一面代表跨性别者的旗帜. （龙国雄摄） 星期六下午两点很适合睡个午觉，虽然烈日当空，但组屋底层的凉风阵阵，很舒服. 我比约定时间早到，在组屋楼下等着. 吕芬倪（46岁）和女儿吕惠婷（22岁）吃完午餐后，一前一后地走回家，女儿在前，吕芬倪弯腰推着装有日常用品的购物车走在后面. 和她们一起搭电梯时，两人都很静. 我主动和吕惠婷聊她右手臂的文身，气氛这才稍微活络起来.

2pm on a Saturday afternoon is the right time for a nap. Even if the afternoon sun shines high, the cool breeze on the ground floor beneath the HDB flats is so comfortable. I was early, so I waited downstairs. Lu Fen Ni (46) and her daughter Lu Hui Ting (22) walked home one after another after lunch – Hui Ting in front, Fen Ni pushing a shopping cart filled with daily necessities behind. While taking the elevator with me, they were both very quiet. I took the initiative to chat with Hui Ting about the tattoo on her right arm – only then did the atmosphere begin to come slightly more alive.

两人的三房式组屋收拾得很整齐，大门旁边摆放几个基督教的装饰品. 客厅由浅紫色的墙壁包围，天花板是蓝天的颜色，嫩粉红的窗帘随风摆动，整个氛围让人很放松. 墙上挂着同样是嫩粉色的时钟以及一面旗子. 旗子由五条平行线组成：最外面是两条水蓝色，里面两条粉红色，中间的是白色线条. 吕惠婷告诉我，那是跨性别旗帜.

Their 3-room HDB was neatly kept, with Christian paraphernalia by the main door. The living room is surrounded by light purple walls, the ceiling the color of the blue sky, and with the light pink curtains swaying in the wind, the whole atmosphere is one for relaxation. Hanging on the wall is an equally pink clock and a flag. The flag consists of five parallel stripes – the outermost are two in light blue, the inner two are pink, and the centre is a white line. Lu Hui Ting told me it was the transgender banner.

吕芬倪是吕惠婷的妈妈，但她曾经是“爸爸”.

Lu Fen Ni is Lu Hui Ting’s mother, but she was once “dad”.

吕芬倪从小就喜欢女性打扮，但一直认为这是个怪癖，把它埋在内心深处，照样过“男人应该过的生活”，包括服兵役和结婚生子.

Lu Fen Ni enjoyed female dress since young, but always thought it was a perversion, and buried it deep in her heart, living “the life a man should live”, including military service, marriage and having children.

离婚后选择第二人生

结婚七年后，吕芬倪和妻子因为性格问题离婚，他成功争取到女儿的抚养权，当起单亲家长，与女儿和母亲三人相依为命，努力工作，赚钱养家.

After divorce, a second life After seven years, Lu Fen Ni and his wife divorced over personality issues. He successfully obtained custody of his daughter, and became a single parent, living with his mother and his daughter, working hard to make money to support his family.

三年后，当三人的生活重新上了轨道，吕芬倪方有时间喘口气，开始思考人生方向，从小到大的“癖好”又浮现出来. 她上网搜索答案，尝试解答心中多年来的疑惑：为什么她明明是男儿身却一直喜欢女性装扮？

After three years, when the lives of the three were back on track, Fen Ni finally had some time to breathe and consider his life direction. At this point, his “hobby” since young resurfaced again. She went online to find answers, and tried to answer the question in her heart for so many years: Why did she love female dress so much when she was clearly male?

她发现原来自己不孤单，在这个小红点上还有一群和她一样的人，拥有性别不一致的困扰，有些人选择动手术，成为跨性别女性. 她考虑了半年后决定放手一搏：“离婚给了我选择第二人生的机会. 我决定走自己的路，而不是别人认为我应该走的路. ”

She discovered she was not alone, and that there was a community of people like her on this little red dot similarly struggling with gender dysphoria. Some of them chose to go through with surgery, and become trans women. She considered for half a year, and decided to risk it – “Divorce gave me the chance to choose a second life. I decided to walk my own path, not the path that other people believed that I should walk.”

不过，在那之前，她必须先征询女儿的同意. 如果女儿不愿看到她变性，那么，她将“保密直到死去的那天”.

However, before that, she had to seek her daughter’s approval. If her daughter was unwilling to see her transition, then, she was willing to “carry the secret to her grave.”

当时年仅10岁的吕惠婷很体贴地表示支持. 她说：“一直以来，她都在照顾我，无论是以爸爸或妈妈的身份都没差. 我打了一个比喻，通常人家都是爸爸给零用钱，妈妈比较疼孩子. 所以我说，她给我零用钱的时候就是我爸，陪我的时候就是我妈. ”

Hui Ting, who was only 10 years old back then, gave every care to express her support. She said, “Whether as father or mother, [Fen Ni] has always been taking care of me. For example – normally it’s the father that gives the pocket money, and the mother that is more loving to the child. So for me, when she gives me pocket money she’s my father, and when she keeps me company she’s my mother.”

有了女儿的支持，吕芬倪终于可以跨出改变的第一步. 然而，她立刻又遇到另个挑战：工作.

With her daughter’s support, Fen Ni could finally make the first step towards transitioning. However, she immediately encountered her next challenge – work.

寿板店老板支持她做手术

Her undertaker boss supported her undergoing surgery.

吕芬倪把心理医生的评估信交给上司后，后者虽然没有当面拒绝她想要改变性别的做法，但却要求她先履行完一年多的合约后才以女性装扮去工作，吕芬倪无奈辞职. 所幸，她不久后就找到工作，前后在一家建筑公司和寿板店担任行政职位.

When Fen Ni passed the assessment letter from the psychologist to her supervisor, although the latter did not reject her decision to undergo a sex change to her face, but they demanded that she first see through her remaining contract of more than a year before going to work in female dress. Fen Ni had no choice but to resign. Luckily for her, she found employment shortly after, working in administrative positions first in a construction company, then for a casket company.

“那个时候，我还没动性别重置手术，身份证上的性别仍是‘M’，但我已做女性装扮了. 老板们愿意聘请我，因为我能做的东西符合他们的要求. 他们肯请我，对我而言已经是恩惠，所以我很‘自动’，什么地方需要人手帮忙的，我都去做，周末需要人，我也回去上班. ”

“At that time, I hadn’t undergone gender reassignment surgery, and the gender on my IC was still “M”, but I was already dressing as a female. The bosses were willing to hire me because I could meet the requirements of the job. To me, the fact that they were willing to hire me was already an act of grace, so I showed a lot of initiative. Wherever they needed spare hands at work, I was there, and if they needed people on the weekends, I would go back to the office.”

在寿板店工作一年后，有一次，大伙儿在休息时闲聊，老板问她是否打算做性别重置手术？

After working at the casket company for a year, there was once when everyone was chatting during a break, and her boss asked her if she had decided to undergo gender reassignment surgery.

“我说有想过，但不知道存钱存到来还能不能做，因为年纪大会有风险. 老板就问我需要多少？我估算大约两万，他们主动说可以用公司的名义借钱给我. 那家寿板店的两个老板是兄弟，人蛮好的，我们现在还保持联络. ”

“I said I had thought about it, but I didn’t know whether I could do it with what I had saved, because of the risks due to age. Then Boss asked me how much I needed. I estimated about $20,000, and they offered to lend me money in the name of the company. The two owners of the casket company were brothers, really nice people – we still keep in touch even now.”

吕芬倪语重心长地说：“社会一般上对跨性别者存有某种刻板印象. 人们不了解的是，那些在樟宜还是什么地方的跨性别者，有的是走投无路了，大部分是和家里闹翻，被赶出家门后无家可归，又没有工作，还要存钱动手术，才会当性工作者. 你想想，一个手术最起码也要一两万元，普通的工作怎么存到那么多？即使有人聘用，一个月赚一两千元，扣除租金这些，怎么存？也许对某些跨性别者而言，这是赚钱的最快途径. 我呢，我没有长相，又有一个女儿，所以我不可以乱来. 如果我乱来，以后女儿会很惨. ”

Fen Ni spoke earnestly: “Society still has a certain stereotype of trans people. What people don’t understand is – those transgender people in Changi or wherever – some of them are desperate. Many of them argue with their families, and are rendered homeless after being kicked out. With no work, and the need to save money for surgery, only then do they turn to being sex workers. If you think about it, a surgery costs at least ten to twenty thousand dollars – how do you save that much in a normal job? Even if someone hires you at a thousand or two thousand dollars a month, after you set aside the rent, how can you save? Maybe for some trans people, this is the fastest way to make money. As for me – I don’t have the looks, and I have a daughter, so I can’t fool around. If I fool around, it will affect my daughter’s future.”

坦白身份考验雇主接受度

Sharing her identity to test the openness of employers

吕芬倪后来离开寿板店自己开公司，帮人家修电脑等，上个月开始到一家机构担任科技助理.

她说：“其实我在2010年动手术之后，身份证已改成‘F’，不讲就不会有人知道我是跨性别者. 我去应征工作时也没有问题，可是我还是决定坦白自己的身份，如果他们可以接受，我就去工作. 他们考虑后，还是决定请我. ”

Fen Ni eventually left the coffin company to open her own business repairing computers, until she began working as a technical assistant at a company. She said: “Actually, after my surgery in 2010, my IC status has changed to “F”, and if I don’t say anything, nobody will know I’m a trans person. When I apply for a job I don’t have any problems, but I still choose to share my identity. If they can accept it, I’ll work for them. After they thought about it, they still decided to hire me.

她曾听说其他跨性别者在找工作时因为性别问题遭雇主拒绝，并坦言自己在过渡期时也有同样遭遇.

She had heard of other trans people being rejected by employers while job-seeking because of gender issues, and shared that she had similar experiences during her transitioning period.

“当时，那些雇主说愿意请我，可是不知道其他员工会不会介意. 就是怕请了我一个，结果跑三个啦. 我不强求. 很多同事告诉我，一开始认识我的时候会有点犹豫，了解我的个性后就跟我相处得很好了. ” At the time, those employers said they were willing to hire me, but they weren’t sure if other employees would mind. They were afraid that if they hired one of me, they would scare away three others. I didn’t push it. Many colleagues have told me that when they first met me they were a bit apprehensive, but after getting to know my character, we ended up getting along really well.

听妈妈的话后豁出去

Going for it after listening to her mother

我问吕芬倪，年迈的母亲是否支持她的跨性别选择？

I asked Fen Ni if her elderly mother supported her decision to transition.

她说：“我转变成功，妈妈功劳很大. 一开始，我只接受荷尔蒙治疗. 我记得第一次穿女装出门的时候是去宏茂桥中心，哈哈. 那时我还不敢去女厕，一直忍到回家. 我妈就说，如果要换就敢敢换，如果不要就干脆不换. 我原本还感到害怕，听了妈妈的话后就豁出去了.

She said: “My mother had a large role in the success of my transition. At the beginning, I was just accepting hormone therapy. I remember the first time I went out in female dress was to Ang Mo Kio Central, haha. At the time I still didn’t dare to go to the ladies’, and I kept it in till I got home. My mom told me – if you want to change, then you better change all the way, if you don’t, then you might as well don’t change. I was afraid at first, but after hearing my mother’s words, I went for it.”

“我打扮成女人后，邻居没有直接问我，而是问我妈‘为什么你儿子最近有点不同？’我妈就说‘她在换性别. ’邻居问，‘你ok啊？’那种语气啦. 我妈就顶回去，是男是女都是她的孩子，对她没有什么差别. 从此以后，邻居就没再问了. 跨性别者能不能转变，父母其实扮演了很重要的角色. ”

After I started dressing as a woman, my neighbors didn’t directly ask me, but instead went to my mother to ask – “ Why does your son look a bit different?” My mom just said, “She’s changing her gender.” The neighbors asked, “You ok ah?” in that kind of tone. My mom went right back at them – whether male or female, I was still her child, and it didn’t make any difference to her. From then onwards, the neighbors stopped asking. Whether trans people can successfully transition really depends on the role their parents play.

一旁的吕惠婷笑说：“阿嫲也很喜欢用一句话：她都没有打抢或干坏事！”

Beside her, Hui Ting laughs: “Grandma loves to say this line: She never rob anyone or do bad things!”

与女儿的分离与团聚

Separation and reunion with her daughter

我以为吕芬倪和吕惠婷的关系会因为一起经历了这么多事情而变得亲密，没想到后者上中学后，母女感情开始走下坡，吕惠婷甚至离家出走.

I thought that Fen Ni and Hui Ting’s relationship would grow even closer because of everything they had experienced, but I didn’t foresee that after Hui Ting went to secondary school, their relationship began to decline, and Hui Ting even ran away from home.

吕芬倪说：“叛逆期，加上我们两个的个性，硬碰硬的脾气，谁也不让谁，就有很多问题. ”

Fen Ni said, “It was her rebel stage, and with both of our headstrong personalities, neither us of would give in – that caused a lot of problems.”

吕惠婷一走就是五年. 期间，吕芬倪为女儿向法庭申请儿童保护令，后者曾住在收容所，其中两年住前男友家. Hui Ting ran away from home for five years. During that time, Fen Ni had to apply for a child protection order for her daughter – Hui Ting lived in a shelter, and even lived in her ex-boyfriend’s house for two years.

身为单亲妈妈，独生女离家出走，吕芬倪感到“又生气又失望”. 她说：“我也不懂在气什么，气自己不会教，还是气她不懂事？”

As a single mother seeing her only daughter run away from home, Fen Ni felt both angry and disappointed. She said, “I don’t know who I’m really angry at – at myself for not teaching her well, or at her for being recalcitrant?”

吕惠婷插话：“我也一样，生气和失望. 其实我还蛮同情我们的辅导员的. 我妈一个性格，我一个性格，我们在他们面前吵起来时，我觉得他们不可以tahan（忍受）. ”

Hui Ting interjected: “Me too – angry and disappointed. Actually, I quite sympathise with our counsellors. With my mother’s character, and my character, when we start arguing in front of them, I feel that they cannot tahan (deal with it).”

2016年左右，两人不约而同去同样的教会，关系才稍微好转，却又因为吕惠婷的前男友和吕芬倪第二段婚姻的前夫，再次破裂. Around 2016, both of them serendipitously started to attend the same church. Things were beginning to take a turn for the better, but then rapidly deteriorated because of Hui Ting’s ex-boyfriend and Fen Ni’s husband from a second marriage.

2018年2月，吕惠婷已和前男友分手，吕芬倪也正在办离婚，两人这才约出来见面，聊天. In February 2018, Hui Ting had broken up with her ex-boyfriend, and Fen Ni was processing her divorce – only then did the two decide to meet up for a chat.

吕惠婷说：“就这样开始修补我们的关系咯. 我们和解后发现，经过这些年，我们都成熟了，比较会了解彼此，从那个时候开始就ok了咯，回到小时候亲密的感觉. ” Hui Ting said: “That’s how we began to repair our relationship lor. After we reconciled, we found out, after all these years, we had matured, and began to better understand each other. From that time it began to be ok lor, returning back to the feeling of closeness when I was young.”

吕芬倪的前夫搬走后，吕惠婷就搬回去，母女总算团聚. 当时，吕芬倪的母亲已经过世，所幸在过世前可以看到女儿和孙女和好. 母女俩是否有抱在一起哭？吕惠婷笑说：“没有……我妈不是哭哭啼啼的人，其实跟她在一起有点小尴尬. 我们很少会说爱你，可是我们会用行动表达. 我们也很了解彼此，所以彼此的每个小动作我们都看得到. 现在长大了，变成我在唠叨她，不能吃咸的，油的……”

After Fen Ni’s ex-husband moved out, Hui Ting moved back in, and the family was reunited. At the time, Fen Ni’s mother had already passed away, but fortunately was able to see her daughter and granddaughter reconcile before she passed away. Did mother and daughter share a tearful embrace? Hui Ting laughed, “No – my mom’s not the crying type. In fact she’s slightly awkward to be around. We very seldom say that we love each other, but we will express it through our actions. We also understand each other very well, so we notice every small action the other person does. Now that I’ve grown up, I’m now the one nagging her about no salty foods, no oily foods…”

我问她会如何用一句话形容妈妈，吕惠婷说：“很固执，但超有爱心. ”

I asked her if she could describe her mom in one phrase. Hui Ting said, “Super stubborn, but super loving.”

纪录片编导黄倩仪 为跨性别女性发声

Documentary director Huang Qianyi Speaking out for trans women

黄倩仪（44岁）有一个理想，她要透过纪录片打破人们对跨性别女性的刻板印象.

Huang Qianyi (44) has a dream – she wants to use documentaries to shatter the hackneyed stereotypes of trans women.

她在媒体行业工作了19年，拥有丰富的拍片经验，先后在新传媒5频道、国家地理频道的亚洲公司和探索频道的亚太公司担任编导. 之后，她加入亚洲新闻台拍纪录片，作品包括《亚洲机密档案》（Undercover Asia）系列里的“治疗或酷刑”（Treatment or Torture）和《权力与虔诚》（Power & Piety）系列里的“地狱之火的民族”（Hellfire Nation）.

She has worked in the media industry for 19 years, and has extensive filming experience. She has worked in Mediacorp’s Channel 5, National Geographic Asia, and served as director for Discovery Networks Asia-Pacific. After that, she joined in Channel News Asia as a documentarist, with works including “Treatment or Torture” from the “Undercover Asia” series, and “Hellfire Nation” from the “Power and Piety” series.

黄倩仪以自己从事媒体业的敏锐嗅觉，通过纪录片表达跨性别者的处境. （龙国雄摄）

Huang Qianyi uses her acute sensibility honed in the media industry to communicate the experiences of trans people through documentaries.

论经验，她完全可以胜任纪录片拍摄工作. 但在这之前，她必须克服一个心理障碍：公开自己是跨性别者的事实. 这个看似简单的事情，对黄倩仪而言是不容易的一大步. 她必须正视多年来避而不想的“羞耻感”.

In terms of experience, she is utterly qualified to film a documentary. But before this, she had to overcome one mental barrier: publicly declaring that she was a trans woman. This seemingly simple step was an extremely difficult leap for Qianyi. She had to face up to the sense of shame that she had avoided for years.

她说：“我并不以身为跨性别者为耻，但我们的成长过程中，从家庭、学校到社会、工作场所，都会因为周围人的反应而感到重重的羞耻感. 很多人对跨性别的认识不多，会说跨性别者就是家教不好，性饥渴等，但我都不是这样的啊. ”

She said, “I’m not ashamed of being a trans person. But growing up, whether at home, school, society, or in the workplace, we bear this heavy sense of shame because of the reactions of the people around us. Many people don’t know a lot about transgender issues, and like to say trans people have a bad upbringing, or are lascivious – but I’m none of these things ah!”

成功转换性别后，黄倩仪就头也不回地往前走，20多年来一直以女性的身份生活，周围大多数人包括她的同事都不知道她曾经是男儿身. 这些年来，她的生活没有什么大问题，事业也蒸蒸日上.

After she successfully changed her gender, Qianyi never looked back, living for more than 20 years as a woman. Most of the people around her, including her colleagues, had no idea she once identified as male. All these years, her life had not been affected, and her career was on the rise.

两年前，她为“粉红点”（Pink Dot）义务拍摄宣传片后被本地导演魏铭耀相中，邀请她拍摄一部关于跨性别女性的纪录片. 去年，她获得陈延谦基金－SGIFF东南亚纪录片辅助金.

Two years ago, after she volunteered to shoot a promotional video for Pink Dot, she was talent-spotted by local director Wei Mingyao and invited to film a documentary about trans women. Last year, she was awarded the Tan Ean Kiam Foundation-SGIFF Southeast Asian-Documentary Grant.

在拍摄名为“Some Women”的纪录片过程，黄倩仪开始审视自己：“这是一个转捩点. 我觉得，如果我让拍摄对象站在镜头前，面对众人的目光，而我却躲在镜头后面，不公平. 我应该和她们并肩作战. ”

While filming the documentary, “Some Women”, Qianyi began to examine herself: “This was a turning point. I felt that it was unfair that I let my subjects stand in front of the camera and face the gaze of the public, while I was hiding behind the camera. I should stand alongside them to fight.”

等待入伍时出柜

Coming out while waiting for enlistment

黄倩仪从初级学院毕业后，等待入伍时出柜，向父母公开性别认同取向.

After graduating from JC and while waiting for enlistment, Qianyi came out to her parents about her gender identity.

“在那之前，我一直觉得我的整个人生都在演别人要我扮演的角色. 亲戚朋友不断告诉我，我是男孩子，要更有男子气概否则会被欺负. 我努力这么做，但总是觉得哪里不对劲. 我很困扰，无法集中精神读书，但也没有人可以倾诉. ”

“Before that, I had always felt that I had been playing a role that someone else wanted me to play for my entire life. My family and friends kept telling me that I was a man, and I needed to be more manly or I would get bullied. I tried so hard, but I always felt something was wrong. I was so troubled and couldn’t focus on studying, but there was no one I could turn to.”

等待服兵役时，黄倩仪在机缘巧合下阅读一本关于跨性别，以及性别重置手术的书，恍然大悟原来自己并不孤单，而且所经历的痛苦是有医学研究的. 她松了一口气，决定跟家人好好谈谈.

While waiting for enlistment, Qianyi came across a book about transgender and gender reassignment surgery by chance, and came to the revelation that she were not alone, and that whatever pain she had experienced was reflected in medical research. She was relieved, and decided to have a good talk with her family.

当时，她的父亲完全不能接受. 她说：“最近，他告诉我，他还记得自己当时的反应. 他那时说的是：‘除非我死了. ’他解释，这么说是为了保护我. 他为我感到害怕，担心我的人生会因此而变得艰苦. ”

At the time, her father was entirely unable to accept it. She said, “Recently, he told me that he still remembers his reaction back then. What he said was: ‘Over my dead body’. He explained that he was trying to protect me. He was afraid for me, and worried that my life would be very difficult because of this.”

母亲则立刻拥抱黄倩仪并表示无论如何，她都会爱她，和她一起想办法. 后来，她甚至掏出积蓄和到处借钱，让黄倩仪在服完兵役后出国留学.

On the other hand, Qianyi’s mother immediately embraced her and expressed that no matter what, she would love her, and try to figure out a way with her. Later, she even took out her savings and took on loans, to allow Qianyi to study abroad after completing national service.

新加坡有各种各样的跨性别女性，我们不全都是性工作者，不是每个跨性别女性都被赶出家门或活得凄惨. 我们当中也有专业人士，有些甚至有家庭和孩子. ——黄倩仪

Singapore has various kinds of trans women, and not all of us are sex workers. Not every trans woman was driven out of her home, or struggling to make ends meet. Some of us are professionals – some of us have families and children. – Huang Qianyi.

黄倩仪说：“我想以女性身份上大学，但我觉得不可能在新加坡这么做. 我为自己和家人担心，怕会被人攻击和辱骂，所以有了出国读书的疯狂想法，到一个新的地方重新开始. ”

她说：“妈妈从头到尾全力支持我. 我的A水准成绩不理想，她帮助我重新准备考试. 我最终考到好成绩，进英国的布里斯托大学修读戏剧研究，并以一等荣誉学位毕业. 她一直以来都以我为荣，我觉得在她眼里，选择爱我和支持我是正确的决定. 我希望更多跨性别者的家人能像她一样支持和爱我们. ”

Huang Qianyi said: “I wanted to go to college as a woman, but I felt that I could not do this in Singapore. I was worried for my family, afraid of the attacks and insults, so I had the crazy idea to go overseas and study, and start life again in a new place.”

She said: “Mom supported me all the way. My A-level results were not great, so she helped me to retake the exam. I finally got good grades, got into Bristol in the UK to read Theatre Studies, and graduated with first class honors. She has always been proud of me, and I think that in her eyes, choosing to love and support me was always the right choice. I hope that the families of more transgender people can support and love their children, just like she has for me.”

跨性别女性有很多面

Trans women are multifaceted

黄倩仪不满媒体总是以耸动的标题和新闻刻画跨性别者的做法，希望以纪录片打破人们对跨性别女性的刻板印象.

Huang Qianyi dislikes how the media always goes for sensationalist headlines and news to stereotype trans people, and hopes to use her documentary to shatter stereotypes about trans women.

她说：“新加坡有各种各样的跨性别女性，我们不是全都是性工作者，不是每个跨性别女性都被赶出家门或活得凄惨. 我们当中也有专业人士，有些甚至有家庭和孩子. 当然，跨性别性工作者的故事也很重要，但我希望让大家看到更多面的故事. ”

She said, “Singapore has various kinds of trans women, and not all of us are sex workers. Not every trans woman was driven out of her home, or struggling to make ends meet. Some of us are professionals – some of us have families and children. Of course, the stories of transgender sex workers are important, but I hope to let everyone see more multifaceted stories.”

她也希望人们可以看到，跨性别不是世界末日.

She hopes that other people can see that being trans is not the end of the world.

“我们不是完人，我们的生活也不完美，但我们的故事可以启发他人，给他们力量. 很多跨性别者都很成功，过很好的生活. 这些故事都很重要. 新加坡很少标榜彩虹群体的榜样，如果我们可以这么做，那该多好. ”

We are not perfect, and our lives are not perfect, but our stories can inspire and empower others. Many trans people are successful and live good lives. These stories are important. Singapore rarely chooses to show its rainbow community as role models – but if we could, how awesome would that be?”

黄倩仪指出，新加坡在这方面其实已经做得很不错，本地也有不少跨性别支持网络如TransgenderSG、Oogachaga和The T Project，但她认为我们可以做得更多.

Qianyi points out that Singapore has actually done decently in this area, with many local support networks for trans people like TransgenderSG, Oogachaga and the T Project, but she believes we can do even more.

她加入了一项跨性别益友计划（Tiny.cc/transbefrienders），为受性别不一致困扰的青少年提供援助. 此外，她也是妇女行动及研究协会（AWARE）的义工，因为她相信跨性别女性也是女人，也会遇到其他女性会遇到的问题，因此协助倡导女性议题.

She joined a charitable transgender project for (tiny.cc/transbefrienders), to provide help for youth undergoing issues with gender dysphoria. Beyond this, she is also a volunteer at the Association of Women for Action and Research (AWARE), because she believes that trans women are women too, and encounter problems that other women do too, and thus helps to promote women’s issues.

这20多年来，黄倩仪的父亲从“死也不肯接受”孩子的性别认同取向，到完全接受，甚至以她为荣，见到朋友时都毫不保留地称她为“我的女儿”.

Through the last 20 years, Qianyi’s father moved from declaring “over my dead body” about his daughter’s gender orientation, to a state of complete acceptance, and even sees her as his pride. Now, when he meets his friends, he calls her “my daughter” without any hesitation.

热爱大自然的黄倩仪选择在远离市区的林厝港农区里的Bollywood Veggie受访. 我俩坐在树荫底下聊天，她告诉我，这里是她和妈妈以前常来的地方. 讲到这里，她虽然面带微笑，但眼神里却流露出无法抑制的悲伤.

Qianyi loves nature, and chose to be interviewed at Bollywood Veggies in the Lim Chu Kang farming area, far away from the city. We sat in the shade of the trees and chatted, and she told me that she used to come here with her mother often in the past. At this point, although she was smiling, her eyes flickered with unbearable sorrow.

黄倩仪的母亲在2016年患癌离世. 母亲的离去对她的打击很大，她一度陷入忧郁，至今还经常梦见母亲. 她说：“妈妈是我人生中的女权主义榜样，我很想念她，但我知道她就在不远处，我还时常和她对话. ”

Qianyi’s mother passed away in 2016 of cancer. Her mother’s passing was a great blow to her, and she fell into depression for a time. Even now, she still dreams of her mother. She said, “My mother is my feminist role model – I miss her, but I know she’s not far away, and I still talk to her often.”

“Some Women”预计会在明年的新加坡国际电影节首映.

“Some Women”is expected to premiere at SGIFF next year.

网红苏海塔 用自身经历鼓励他人

Influencer Syuhaida uses her own experiences to encourage others.

女人要接受自己，如果男人也接受我们，那是额外的收获，但首先我们要接受和爱自己. ——苏海塔

Women must accept ourselves – if men accept us, that’s a plus, but we must accept and love ourselves first – Syuhaida.

“我爸爸告诉我，你成为女人后，要证明给其他人看，你比他们更优秀. 不要做那种乱七八糟的女人. 我犯了一个错误，但我从戒毒所出来后记起他说的这句话，改过自新. 现在，大家都接受我了. 哦，那个Che Ta，她有文身，但我们想听她的故事. 她曾经是妓女，然后去吸毒，现在她是个生意人，也是网红. ”

“My father told me, after you become a woman, you must prove to other people that you are better than them. Don’t be a lousy woman. I made mistakes, but after I came out of rehab, I remembered what he said, and turned over a new leaf. Now everyone accepts me. Wow, that Che Ta, she’s got tattoos, but we want to hear her story. She used to be a prostitute, and she used to take drugs, but now she’s a businesswoman, and an influencer.

37岁的苏海塔（Nur Syuhaida Nafisya Mohd Jin）从不掩饰自己的过去. 无论是对记者、家人、朋友或粉丝，她都是这么坦荡荡.

37-year-old Nur Syuhaida Nafisya Mohd Jin never hides her past. Whether to reporters, family, friends or fans on the internet, she lets it all hang out.

采访这天，我们约在她的美容保健产品店见面. 她领着记者走上狭窄的楼梯到还在装潢中的二楼办公室，一坐下就点一支烟. 她一身黑色装扮，与嫩粉红和浅蓝色的指甲形成强烈对比. 她一边吸烟，一边喝可乐，一边娓娓道来她的人生故事.

On the day of the interview, we made an appointment to meet at her beauty and health products store. She led this reporter up the narrow stairs to a second-floor office that was still being renovated, and lit up a cigarette as soon as she sat down. She was dressed all in black, in sharp contrast with her pink and blue nails. She began to tell her life story, a Coke in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

17岁站街存钱做手术

Walking the streets at 17 to save money for surgery

苏海塔以沙哑又洪亮的声音说：“我在15岁那年决定成为跨性别女性. 要当女人一点也不简单. 17岁，我就开始当站街女存钱做手术，然后去服兵役. 我告诉一起服兵役的同伴，我不是‘正常’的男人，但那个时候没有人了解我在说什么，结果我就被攻击. 压力很大啦，但我逆来顺受. 他们要我做的工作，我好好做，顺利服完兵役，然后到泰国做性别置换手术. 胸部，下体……我全部换到完，回国后就是合法的女人了. ”

Syuhaida spoke, in her husky, resonant voice: “I decided to be a trans woman when I was 15. It was not easy at all to become a woman. At 17, I began walking the streets to save money for the surgery, and then I did my NS. I told my fellow conscripts that I wasn’t a “normal” guy, but at that time no one knew what I was talking about, so I was attacked. It was very stressful lah, but I took things as they came. Whatever they asked me to do, I did my best, so after NS, I went to Thailand to do gender reassignment surgery. Breasts, private parts – I changed it all, and when I got home I was a legal woman.”

苏海塔的学历不高，而且全身上下都是文身，难以找工作，因此选择继续当性工作者. 她这个决定付出的代价却是亲情.

Syuhaida didn’t have much educational background, had tattoos all over body, and had trouble finding a job, so she decided to be a sex worker. The price she paid for this was her family.

“我妈妈会接到亲戚朋友的电话，然后就打电话问我在哪里，说有人看到我. 没有妈妈愿意听到自己的孩子在卖淫. 要知道，我们最大的敌人很多时候是自己的亲戚. 如果我还住在家里，她就会看到我的穿着打扮，知道我几点出门. 我不要给家人压力，所以就搬出去，然后告诉妈妈，以后亲戚朋友再打来，就说我们已经没有关系. ”

“My mom would get a phone call from relatives or friends, and then call to ask where I was, saying someone had spotted me. No mother wants to hear that their daughter was selling her body. You’ve got to know, our greatest enemy is sometimes our own family. If I was still living at home, she would know how I was dressing and what time I was leaving the house. I didn’t want to put pressure on my family, so I moved out, and told my mom, if her relatives or friends called again, to just tell them that she had cut me off.”

苏海塔当性工作者的16年间，不是自己租房就是与前男友同住. 四年前，她和前男友在家里起争执，后者一怒之下用铁锤打她，导致她肋骨骨折，臀部、胸口、手臂和脚踝都受伤，前男友被判入狱八个月.

In the 16 years Syuhaida was a sex worker, she either rented or lived with her ex-boyfriend. Four years ago, she got into an argument with her ex-boyfriend at home. In anger, he attacked her with a hammer, fracturing her ribs and injuring her hips, chest, arms and ankle. Her ex-boyfriend was sentenced to 8 months in prison.

和男友分手后，她开始在面簿上做直播，和面友聊天分享心情，没想到一炮而红，面簿粉丝短时间内暴增至3万多人. 她也因此找到生意伙伴，一起从事美容产品的生意. 表面上，艺名Che Ta Sg的她平步青云，粉丝量逐渐增加至6万人. 她还当起品牌代言人，国内外邀约不间断，甚至有机会和知名马来西亚艺人同台主持节目.

After breaking up with him, she began to use Facebook Live to do broadcasts, sharing her feelings with her followers. Little did she know that it would be a hit, and her Facebook following exploded to more than 30,000 in a very short time. Because of this, she was able to find partners to start a business selling beauty products. On the face of it, she was a huge success with her handle “Che Ta Sg”, and her number of fans gradually grew to 60,000. She started to be a spokesperson for brands, with incessant invites locally and internationally, and even had the chance to co-host a show with well-known Malaysian artistes.

然而，在镁光灯外，她有一个不为人知的问题：毒瘾.

However, behind the spotlight, she had a problem that no one knew about: drug addiction.

自信心被前男友踢垮

Confidence shattered by her ex

前男友对苏海塔施暴时，踢爆她体内的硅胶植入物，间接也踢垮了她的自信心.

When her ex-boyfriend attacked Syuhaida, he damaged the silicone implant in her body, and in the same act, toppled her confidence.

“我没办法接受被毁容的身体. 我从出生到动手术之前已经受尽性别不一致的折磨. 好不容易，我有了完美的身体，忽然之间却被人毁了. 我的身体是我一生的投资呀！我没办法接受！”

I couldn’t accept my disfigured body. From being born until undergoing surgery, I had already had enough of being tortured by gender dysphoria. I went through so much to get a perfect body, and it was suddenly destroyed by someone else. My body was the greatest investment of my life! I couldn’t accept it!”

雪上加霜的是，苏海塔最亲爱的爸爸不久后过世. 为了逃避问题和应付越来越繁忙的工作量，她开始吸毒，过着双面人的生活. 终于有一天，她因吸毒被捕，被判入戒毒所7个月，去年1月才获释.

To make matters worse, Syuhaida’s beloved father passed away shortly after. To escape her issues and to cope with her escalating workload, she began to live the double life of a drug user. Finally, she was arrested for drug use, and sentenced to 7 months in a drug rehabilitation centre. She was released in January last year.

情场失意加上戒毒的决心使苏海塔成熟许多，人生观也改变了. Her failure at affairs of the heart and her determination to quit drugs made Syuhaida grow up drastically, and changed her outlook on life drastically.

“我一直在想，从戒毒所获释后要做什么？我决定继续做生 意，同时也要告诉大家，毒品不是所有问题的答案. 我也要证明给每个人看，女人可以靠自己成功，不一定要靠男人. ” “I’ve been thinking all this time – what should I do after getting out of rehab? I decided to continue doing business, and to tell everyone – drugs are not the answer to your problems. I wanted to prove to everyone that a woman can succeed by herself – she didn’t need to rely on a man.”

她立刻重新投入美容产品生意，开发更多新产品. 谈到生意，苏海塔坦言：“我想了很久，到底要不要做. 性工作已经成为我生活的一部分，我要改变吗？不容易的，可是我的生意伙伴说服我投资和开发自己的产品. 我们最先推出粉底和保湿喷雾，非常畅销，我的粉丝很支持我，甚至有人为了买一瓶40元的粉底液，当掉金首饰. 我们因此调低所有产品的价格. ”

She threw herself into the beauty products business, and began developing more new products. Talking about her business, Syuhaida spoke frankly, “I thought about whether or not to go into business for a long time. Sex work had become a part of my life for so long – did I have to change? It was not easy, but my business partner convinced me to invest in and develop my own products. We launched foundation and moisturiser sprays first, which sold very well. My fans were really supportive, and somebody even pawned their gold jewelry to buy a bottle of $40 foundation. Because of this, we reduced the price of all our products.”

她被捕前已经开发六种产品，获释至今再开发六种，包括洗发水、肥皂、润肤乳等. 生意越做越好，她与合伙人在海格路和勿洛开了两家实体店，除了售卖自家产品，也引进在马来西亚火红的美容用品. 苏海塔透露，刚开始做生意时，月入仅300元至500元. 现在，她月入六位数.

Before being arrested, she had already developed six products. Since being released, she has developed another six, including shampoo, soap, and moisturiser. The business has been going from strength to strength, and she and her partner opened up two physical stores at Haig Road and Bedok. Besides selling her house products, they also brought in the hottest beauty products from Malaysia. Syuhaida revealed that her monthly income was only $300-$500 when she first started with the business. Now, she brings in six figures a month.

“现在我红了，以前那些看不起我或讲我坏话的亲戚竟然问我妈妈，你的女儿在哪里？然后跑来店里说要跟我合照，好像我是范文芳这样. 也好啦，人们应该接受我们跨性别者. ”

“Now that I’m doing well, all those relatives who looked down on me or said bad things about me actually started asking my mom, where’s your daughter? Then they run to the shop to take photos with me, as if I’m Fann Wong. Ok lah, people should accept us trans people.”

要先学会爱自己

Learning to love oneself first

“接受自己”也是苏海塔大力推崇的人生哲学.

“Accepting yourself” is the philosophy Syuhaida supports whole-heartedly.

“女人要接受自己，如果男人也接受我们，那是额外的收获，但首先我们要接受和爱自己. 每天早上告诉自己，我们各有美丽的地方. ”

Women must accept ourselves – if men accept us, that’s a plus, but we must accept and love ourselves first. Every morning tell yourself: we are all beautiful in our own way. – Syuhaida.

网红苏海塔 用自身经历鼓励他人

Influencer Syuhaida uses her own experience to encourage others

对此，她深有体会. 进戒毒所的时候，她的体重59公斤，获释时足足重了29公斤.

She had a deep personal understanding of these words. When she first entered rehab, she weighed 59 kg – when she was released she had put on 29 kg.

“88公斤，我自己也吓了一跳. 我面对多少歧视. 有些粉丝直言他们不喜欢我的样子，喜欢以前瘦瘦的我. 但也有很多人告诉我，没关系，胖胖也很棒. 我就告诉自己，就这么做吧，既然我发福了，那我就要让大家看，我不会为自己的身体感到羞耻. 我们不羞辱自己，我们爱自己，每根手指头我都爱. ”

“88 kg – I was also shocked. I was facing so much discrimination. Some fans just bluntly said they didn’t like how I look, and preferred the skinnier me. But many people also told me, don’t worry, fat is also great. I told myself, just do it, since I’ve put on weight, then I must let everyone see that I am not ashamed of my body. We don’t humiliate ourselves, we love every part of ourselves, from head to toe.”

她挥舞着双手，以大姐大的口吻说：“如果你觉得指甲不好看，那就去做美甲. 如果觉得不可以穿性感的衣服，没关系，市面上有很多大尺码又好看的裙子. 如果你觉得身材肥胖穿高跟鞋不舒服，没关系，你还是可以穿楔形鞋或球鞋. 只要你身体健康，发福不是问题. 很多粉丝听了我的言论后很受鼓舞，也开始有同样的想法！”

Waving her arms and talking like a boss, she says, “If you think your nails are ugly, then go do your nails. If you think you can’t wear sexy clothes, no problem, there are so many plus-sized and good-looking skirts on the market. If you think you feel uncomfortable wearing heels when you’re heavier, no problem, you can still wear wedges or sneakers. As long as you are healthy, putting on a bit of weight is not a problem. Many fans were so encouraged after hearing my words, and started to think like me!”

经历了起起落落，苏海塔现在偶尔受邀当励志演说家，用自身经历鼓励他人.

After going through these ups and downs, Syuhaida occasionally gets invited to be an inspirational speaker, to encourage other people with her personal experiences.

“我吸毒，我进戒毒所，我被前男友施暴，但这些经历教会我，我不该再被人欺负. 我都会告诉观众，如果我做得到，你们也行. 看看我吧，我以前曾经赢得选美奖状但现在我很胖，我一点也不完美，我有文身，我不漂亮，但那有什么关系呢？我又胖又有自信，你们也应该自信十足. 为什么要让别人践踏你？我们只要爱自己就好. 我也利用这个机会告诉观众，不要看不起跨性别者. 我们只是出生的时候有点‘残疾’，但我们尝试‘矫正’自己成为‘正常人’. ”

“I took drugs, I went into rehab, I was assaulted by my ex-boyfriend, but these experiences taught me that I should never be bullied again. I always tell my audience that if I can do it, so can you. Look at me, I’ve won a beauty pageant in the past but now I’m so fat, I’m not perfect at all, I have tattoos, I’m not beautiful, but why does it matter? I am fat and I am confident, and so all of you should be overflowing with confidence. Why do you let other people step all over you? We all just need to love ourselves. I also use this opportunity to tell my audience, don’t look down on trans people. We were just born with a little “disability”, but we try to “fix” ourselves to become “normal” again.”

我问苏海塔是否担心会重新染上毒瘾？她摇头坚决说不会 . I asked Syuhaida if she was worried about re-addiction. She shook her head and said, no.

“我出来以后就搬回去和妈妈住. 我很幸运，妈妈终于接受我并且以我为荣. 我告诉自己，不要再糟蹋这个机会，不要再和毒品有任何关系. 我在戒毒所看到很多上了年纪的瘾君子，难道我到了那个年纪还想进戒毒所吗？不，我不要. 2020年，我不会再进去. 幸好我还活着，幸好我还能重头来过. 况且，我也一直记住爸爸跟的话：不要做乱七八糟的女人. 我要以我低沉又沙哑的声音，为所有的女性发声. ”

“I moved back to live with my mom after I got out of rehab. I was very lucky – my mother finally accepted me and was proud of me. I told myself: don’t screw up this chance, don’t ever go near drugs again. In rehab I met so many older addicts – do I want to still be in rehab at that age? No, I don’t want to. 2020, I’m not going in again. Thankfully I’m still alive, thankfully I can still try again. Besides, I always remember what my dad told me: Don’t be a lousy woman. I’m going to use my low, husky voice to speak out for all women.”

=See also=
 * Transgender people in Singapore
 * Singapore transgender history

=References=
 * Chen Yingchen, "Traversing the beauty and sorrow of transwomen", Lianhe Zaobao, 8 March 2020.

=Acknowledgements=

This article was archived by Roy Tan.