Benjamin Gho

Benjamin Gho, called Ben for short by his friends and also well known by his drag persona name of Bernice, was born on 14 July 1972 and passed away suddenly on 26 March 2018.

=Life=

For some in the LGBT community, Gho was a dear and generous friend. To most, he was a reassuring presence and constant in their gaybourhood, giving it a cozy familiarity and hospitality. Their nighttime revels always included a place where at least one person knew who they were, and would welcome them in.

Gho pursued a career in nightlife that spanned Mox Bar, Happy (he was the club's guest door bitch many a time), DYMK (acronym for Does Your Mother Know?, where he was affectionately called Momma when he was in drag) and lastly, Epiphyte. He also lived the 'life nocturnal' - after working the weekend, he would be out partying on Sundays in the 1980s and 1990s when Sunday was the only gay night out.

People who were familiar with Bernice, the drag persona, observed that she was never that camp, her manner never exaggerated. This is not to say she was any less fabulous for simply being herself. Indeed, the Bernice alter ego was never far removed from Ben's personality. Ben was Bernice, and Bernice was Ben. Both were him and her, worn proudly and matter-of-factly.

=ELEMENT magazine article=

In 2014, ELEMENT magazine's first-ever drag issue featured Gho in an article written by Karim Shah:

"ELEMENT FEATURE: MEET 14 INCREDIBLE ASIAN DRAG QUEENS AROUND THE WORLD

...we had the privilege of speaking with some of the most talented and beautiful drag queens, female illusionists, and gender-bending performers from around the world. We are grateful to have had the opportunity to speak with these amazing artists, and to share them with you, our beloved readers.

Name: Bernice Gho

Age: 42

Location: Singapore

A native Singaporean, Bernice first stepped out in drag in 1994.

Through 2007, Bernice would go on to make drag a full-time career, working at various bars and restaurants throughout Singapore. She would become well known for her signature Hollywood inspired look.

“Audrey Hepburn...her personality inspires me. I feel like when I am Bernice, she comes into my body. How she walks, and even how she lights up a cigarette, although now I quit smoking.”

“I was given a project by AFA to raise HIV awareness in a club, and I was asked to drag. Initially I was hesitant, but decided to do it. I was shocked at how different I could look.”

As to where she’d love to perform?

“The only performance I do is in my bedroom," she said through laughter. “But fashion runway is my thing. I will wanna do it as Bernice. In fact, I have done it a few times.”

And her dream job?

“Oscar de la Renta’s show. His gowns are beautiful. I wanna wear them. Either in Paris or Milan.”



The following photo of Gho, one of his favourites, was shot by his friend, Alan Seah, for Action for AIDS' JUICY parties - Sunday night fundraisers at Zouk disco in the early 2000s. (Gho made Seah Photoshop the breasts in.)



=Unexpected death=

Gho's passing came to the attention of the LGBT community at large, mainly via Facebook, on Tuesday, 27 March 2018. However, according to his closest friends, he died during the wee hours of Monday morning, on 26 March 2018. His unexpected death sent shock waves throughout the segment of the LGBT community who knew him or who knew of him. Many of his friends had seen him, apparently completely healthy, working at the gay bar, Epiphyte, taking orders and serving drinks on the Friday just before his passing.

=Tribute by Action For AIDS and gayhealth.sg=

Action For AIDS and one of its subsidiary organisations, gayhealth.sg, both published almost identical articles entitled, "In Loving Memory of Benjamin Bernice Gho" and "Momma Knows Best: In Loving Memory of Bernice" respectively, one day after Gho's passing as a tribute to her life and advocacy work for people living with HIV/AIDS:

"Ben was a strong man, and Bernice, an even stronger drag mama. Always loving and warm, he was a great advocate for persons living with HIV, and the rights to access sexual health care. Ever full of life, he was instrumental in providing a safe space for many young Gay, Bisexual and Queer men. Ben was passionate about his work and was a great mentor to many.

Our heartfelt condolences go out to his family. We have lost a great champion for PLHIV, a wonderful person, and a dear friend." 

=Memorials at Epiphyte and Backstage Bar=

According to Epiphyte founder, Ivan Tan, Gho's family requested privacy in their time of grief and held a private wake. However, Epiphyte and Backstage Bar held memorials during the Good Friday long weekend following his death. Tan announced details of the memorials thus on Facebook and the information was shared by his friends:

"Epiphyte bar

47 Neil Road, Level 2

29 March, Thurs and 30 March, Fri

7pm - Closing

Backstage Bar, 80 Neil Road

1 April, Sun

6pm - Closing

Serving Bernice Cosmos

Wear something ladylike if you're a man, wear something manly if you're a lady." 

Bernice Fund
On 2 April 2018, Tan announced on Facebook that in memory of Gho, Epiphyte would be setting aside a fund to be donated annually to a beneficiary selected by a joint committee consisting of close friends of Gho and Epiphyte. Epiphyte would be starting off the fund with a $1000 contribution. From that day onwards, half the proceeds from the sale of all Bernice Cosmos from the bar would go towards the fund.

Support from Oogachaga
A trained counsellor from Oogachaga was available on site at Epiphyte on Thursday night, 29 March 2018, to offer outreach and support. Information cards and reading materials were also available for attendees to take home or pass on to others. The LGBT-affirmative counselling agency posted the following message on their Facebook page:

"Losing someone is painful. It's sad, and we miss them.

Losing someone to suicide is even harder. We have some many questions, and so few answers.

We're angry, and hurt, and sad, and in pain. And that's OK. But still so many questions, and so few answers.

If you need support, that's OK too. Let's remember to take care of ourselves & look out for each other, OK?

Because Bernice would probably have wanted us to do that."

Support from:

Samaritans of Singapore

Oogachaga"

Speech by Jason Leong
The memorial for Gho was led by Jason Leong who made the following speech:

"Thank you all for coming. My name is Jason and I am leading tonight's memorial. On Tuesday, all our phones buzzed with the sad and shocking news. Benjamin Bernice Gho’s sudden passing was so unexpected. The news reverberated across our community and beyond and I am sure many of us are still trying to wrap our heads around it.

So tonight, we gather to mourn, grieve and most important of all, to celebrate Bernice and her life. We are among friends, so take strength from each other.

I've also placed packets of tissue paper on each table, so feel free to use it.

Bernice was many things to many people: an icon, tall, statuesque and fabulous; a pillar of the community; but most importantly, a friend.

To me, she was just Ben.

She was the icon way before many of us even came out, including me. In her long time amongst us, Bernice was the go to figure who knew everyone and who introduced a lot of us to our friends.

She was born Benjamin Goh Sze Yeong on the 14th of July 1972. As he had asthma, he wasn't allowed to run around even though he wanted so much to play with the other kids.

He was an obedient child, obliging, and had no temper. He was very caring and took good care of his sister and helped around at home.

And most importantly, he loved his family.

As a teenager, he was super into music from the likes of Madonna, Prince, Pet Shop Boys, etc. and was very much into design and fashion. After his "O" levels, he went to LaSalle to study fashion designing and graduated, but decided to go into food, perhaps because it ran in the family and was quite good at it according to his aunt. He was a very generous person and a consummate host.

Those of us who have had the pleasure of dining with Bernice would have known of her fastidiousness when food is concerned, including the placement of the utensils.

He really loved his aunt Diana, uncle and cousin Arlene who accepted him unconditionally regardless of whether he was Bernice or Ben. As a matter of fact, I got to know his aunt and cousin through him, lovely people who always included Ben in their lives.

The first time I saw Bernice was when she worked the door of Sugar, a club in Mohammed Sultan, quite intimidating because of her height and no-nonsense look. I only got to talk and know her personally at Mox during a slow weekday. And she turned out to be this very kind and loving person beneath that professional demeanour. I believe this is how many of us got to know her. In her time with us, she was a mother figure to many young gay boys who just came out and a friend to many others near and far. Her generosity, especially in opening her home to young gay men who were thrown out of their own homes for whatever reasons earned her the epithet of "mother". And they genuinely treated her as mother. Kind, caring and loving.

But it was her presence in the scene that we are familiar with and it was through her work that we got to know and love her. It was through her work that many of us became friends with each other and became part of the community.

I would like to read this from David Scott McKinley in the US. David worked in Singapore for many years and was a regular at the clubs where Bernice worked:

When I first arrived in Singapore and didn't know anybody, I went to MOX and met Bernice. She instantly made me feel so welcome and part of this new community that I chose to embrace, embark upon a new journey with, and become a part of. Bernice instantly became family. Her welcoming spirit confirmed that my spirit was home. That is who she was. We discovered that we were both Cancers born in July and immediately started planning our birthday celebrations together. The joy and fun we had! We carried this out each year together for the following years and developed such a strong bond beyond what either of us had anticipated our relationship would take us. We were family. I love you Bernice and will always have your back, even now that you are not here with us anymore. Peace.

(Paerin Choa and Miak Siew take over, then open to floor to others to share)

(Ryuu Fong, one of mother Bernice's many "sons", and cousin Arlene Tan Su-Yin close the sharing session.)

What I have learned the past two nights is that there are icons and pillars in our community whom we go to for help, direction, or guidance. But unlike icons and pillars made of concrete, they are human just like us. They have their burdens and issues to deal with just like us. If anything we have learned from all of this, it is to always reach out, or at least try our darnedest to reach out to these icons and pillars to see how they are doing or to offer support in whatever way we can.

Thank you all for being here and supporting each other in these very trying times. In remembering Bernice, we also celebrate Bernice, her life and importantly our love for her.

I would like to close with a little song that I hope everyone can join in. I think this song is most apt. Seasons of Love. Remember the love, remember the friendship." 

Gho was bid a final farewell late in the afternoon of Tuesday, 3 April 2018 in a private funeral service after an emotional week of memorials by his friends and family.

Many could remember him claiming to be French whenever he had a bit too much to drink - "Oh I'm French. Fork and knife/spoon please..." He also mentioned that he liked the song "Je ne regrette rien" (I regret nothing) by Edith Piaf. It encapsulated the way he lived his life - fierce and fearless with no regrets and no apologies. 

=Other tributes=

The Banana Gayllery
The Banana Gayllery posted the following tribute to Gho on 29 March 2018 on Facebook:

"He used to tell me, “Bernice will always end up alone.”

You have touched so many hearts, and always had a way of showing us the light, but you left too soon.

Today, our hearts will be your eternal abode.

The lingering scent of your grace and elegance will live on. You are never alone.

- @charleswanmushi

Thank you @boyboyjuju for getting @banana_gayllery to help us remember Bernice, @asrafsani for the photo reference and @rusly.tjohnardi for creating Bernice’s favourite gown. 

Ken Lim
Ken Lim created an album containing hundreds of photos of Gho accompanied by this message:

"I've photographed quite a number of events for Benjamin Bernice Gho over 10 years and some of these photos have never seen the light of day. Hope that those who are saddened by her passing may find solace and celebrate her life through these photos. Thank you for all the laughter and for adding colour to our lives Bernice. RIP."

Ryuu Fong
On Tuesday, 17 April 2018, Ryuu Fong published the following post entitled, "A Eulogy For My Mother, Bernice" on his Facebook:

"When I was told to deliver a eulogy in honor of Bernice Benjamin Gho, the immediate thing that came to my mind was, “Oh no, I haven’t written anything substantial since, 10 years ago?” But I came up with something, hopefully substantial to celebrate the life of my mother.

Ben and I first met around 10 years ago, when I started drinking frequently in DYMK bar with my girlfriend. One night, my girlfriend and I had so much drinks then Ben offered us water when it was closing, because we had a lot. It was a very kind gesture. I remembered that Ben asked me, “So is this your girlfriend?” And I said, “Oh no, no, no, THIS is my girl-friend.”

Sometime later, he offered me a part-time work in the bar. I still remember that on the very first day of training for the job, I was having an anxiety attack from stress and my family issues. Ben sat me down and held my hands tight. He told me that if I needed to take the time off, he can push the training to another day. I told her that I just needed a few minutes and I’ll be fine. He asked if I would like some tea to calm my nerves. I said yes and he went right behind the bar. When he came back, Ben handed me a glass of iced tea. It was a milky-yellow tea layered with some dark brown liquid.

You have to understand that at that time I was so young, the only drinks I’ve had was Vodka Ribena, which in my youth, thought was the most sophisticated adult beverage ever.

So being an idiot, I took a huge gulp of the iced tea, and immediately regretted it. Ben burst into laughter and clapped his hands.

I exclaimed, “What the hell is this?”

“It’s Long Island Tea, darling.”

Funny thing is, it did help me get through my shift. And I really appreciate this silly prank.

In our lives, Bernice Benjamin Gho is a friend, a best friend, a brother, a sister, a girlfriend and to many of us, a mother. She is the one who brings people together, a friend to a friend, a sister to a sister; we all get to know many of our friends through her. For some of us, we are always proud to introduce her to our friends, gay or straight.

Bernice would never leave anyone alone at the bar, and would always make sure that person found company somehow through her. She makes a lonely day in the bars feel like home, she makes a stressful day at work go away with by drinking shots with you, specifically CB shots. She likes to call it her chee bye juices.

When you are new to the scene and unsure of what to drink and what to do, she’ll welcome you with one of her specials, a Bernice’s Cosmo and take you for a spin. She will become your navigator and entertainer through the bars and clubs.

Growing up as a gay man, she was a motherly figure I look up to and highly respected. I remembered the time I had a huge fight with my parents with regards to my sexuality, my belongings were thrown out of the house. I sent her a text message and asked for advice, and the very first thing she told me is to cool down and talk to my parents when I feel better. If anything, she could offer me shelter.

To others, it might just mean being a decent human being. To me, it was a lot more than that. At the lowest point of time in my life, I was not given just mere words of sympathy, but acts of love, a shelter, and another person whom I could call my family. Bernice taught me many things through her actions and one of the many lessons is sincerity in loving others. To extend a helping hand, and to offer them solace and warmth.

One of the things I will miss, is partying with her. And let’s be honest, a party with Bernice is like no other.

Pre-party Bernice is a graceful, beautiful woman, sitting on the dinner table, drinking a good shiraz with two ice cubes. If it is Chinese food for dinner, no chopsticks for her. Just a fork and a spoon.

That’s pre-party Bernice. During the party, this elegant woman would be sipping vodka orange in her booth, and making sure her friends are having a good time. And 5 drinks later, you would find her spreading her legs on the bar top, or taking out her portable breasts and slapping them on the table. And she would share these stories with photos, because it’s a perfect example of what partying is like with her: just wild and free.

Bernice and her sister, Rima S would always decide together which days they would dress up in drag and get such a kick out of partying the night through. And these fun nights would most likely end up with chye tow kueh supper at 3am. It’s either that or Curry Rice, or Teo Chew Mui, or Wan Dou Sek. It seemed silly and fun, but it was those times they spoke most openly with each other about things. Maybe being as their other personas, it was easier to open up.

Bernice’s birthday was just a day apart from mine. And for most of these 10 years, Bernice and I have celebrated every birthday together. And for every birthday celebration, she never once wanted to be the centre of the party. When we have our private birthday celebration with close friends, she would push the center of the spotlight to me.

Bernice’s life was about a constant, sincere acts of love to others. She may have come from a complicated background growing up, but we know that despite that, she made a name for herself and in time made a huge impact in our lives.

No matter how strong and independent anyone is, we are only human. There is only this much burden a heart could take alone. So I personally would like to thank some people for standing by Bernice till the very end. To Benjamin’s beloved Aunt Diana, and dearest Cousin Arlene, the love we receive from Ben wouldn’t have been possible with his family as his support, thank you for supporting him.

To closest of friends, sons and daughters, we will carry on the legacy of hers, to treat people with love, respect and sincerity. To extend a helping hand, and offer your company. To work your hardest, and party twice as hard like she did.

And to Bernice Benjamin Gho, our beloved friend, our brother, our sister, our mother, words cannot describe how thankful I am to have you in my life. You offered me kindness and generosity unmeasurable by any means. Thank you for stopping by, I love you, and I will always remember you. You are truly my Wonder Woman."

=See also=
 * Transgender people in Singapore

=References=
 * "Momma Knows Best: In Loving Memory of Bernice", gayhealth.sg, 27 March 2018.
 * "In Loving Memory of Benjamin Bernice Gho", Action For AIDS, 27 March 2018.

=Acknowledgements=

This article was written by Roy Tan.